Waterworld

It’s Like Mad Max, But Amongst Other Things, Wet.

‘When there’s no more room in hell…

Water will happen all around you.’

adjacent to you?

dampen your postcode

turn white t-shirts transparent...

These taglines were all rejected on the grounds

that the principal antagonist of Water World is

not actually the water. See, as ever, it’s how

people react under the duress of all that

tempestuous wetness.

Kevin Costner speaks: “Our humanity is not a

SUGAR packet!

We, all together are the duck’s back

and the water’s collectively rolling off it…… um yeah.”

“Cut!”

The director spritzes a Hollywood exec; cups

the back of Costner’s head, brings a Cuban heel

down on a discarded Fiji bottle.

“Now imagine that, but on a global scale” He says.

“Let’s take it from the top… C’mon, people!

C’MON!”

Thankfully, our humanity is no

longer subject to an NDA, that’s

the tentative thread holding poetry

together; that’s why I can state with

some confidence that I conceived

of Water World two decades after

its commercial release.

Except mine was a poem submitted

to a contest about climate change and my take on

Costner juggled the runtime between

being eaten alive by various metaphorical

strands of sea life and condescending

the audience.

“I bet you don’t even like

the environment” He’d sneer

“What’d you get the planet for earth day, then?

Another handful of CARBON MONOXIDE?”

the echinoderms nod; meaningfully extend

their pseudopods, fasten to Kevin’s pert pink

nips and start to gnaw their way concave

Like a terrible, carnivorous variant of

Ariel's bra from the Little Mermaid.

My poem did not have a 200 million budget,

nor did it win the competition or even destroy

Kevin Costner’s career prospects

as a bankable star.

We cut to release weekend.

The director cascades nakedly

down the studio stairwell—starfishes

on the landing, bruised and bending

he yells “HOPPER!”

(Did you know Dennis Hopper was in this? He’s

as eminently watchable as ever)

“HOPPER!!!” He sobs wretchedly, clutching akimbo

two pool floaties. “I can’t keep my head above the

water, Hopper….. I can’t. I’ve seen the reels, I’ve

seen projections. We’re not gonna make it.

It’s not even oblique anymore it’s just pathetic, it’s

like Water World. I’ve got a green duffel bag with all my

earthly possessions in it. What do I have to show for the

life I’ve lived? It’s like Water World except the water

is NOT the box office returns of Water World.

That discarded Stella Artois will be like

the cultural impact of Water World. I’m drunk

and I’m italicising Water World as a

fucking courtesy. Oh, Kevin’s facial expressions

are salty and windblown; but are they salty

and windblown enough?” The director hiccups, lays

prostrate—staring at the ceiling.

“I’m going to burn it all, Hopper…..

Let’s see the studio bankroll that; we’ll call it

‘Fireworld’ Yeah? We’ll bring back the original

cast to reprise their roles….. It’ll be an absolute smash.

It’ll be, It’ll… be

oh, god.”

salty and windblown, but salty and windblown enough?